Do you know how fast meow were going?

This is not a blog: it's going to be a rant. Lori knows about the Chris Alexander Rants. I'm going to try to calm the language down here, but every now and then I tend to go off on something that's been pissing me off. For those of you who didn't know me in High School, the Chris Alexander Rant can be a blistering observation of modern life. Picture George Carlin meets Andrew Dice Clay meets Eric Cartman.

I was on the way to work today driving east on SR 500. We passed St John's at a nice 60 mph (only 5 mph over the limit) and things were going well - although Starbucks was super busy so I didn't get my coffee. Two blocks later, the crowd of cars all around m abruptly slowed to 40 mph, and as we all inched through another intersection, slowed further to 30. Now, as I mentioned, the speed limit on 500 is 55, right? Why the hell are we going 30?? What the frick is the problem??

Just after we passed the intersection, I saw the problem: someone had been pulled over. On the other side of the effing freeway!!! Not an accident, where people tend to do some rubbernecking, but a car pulled the eff over! What the crap! Has the whole morning commute in Vancouver, Washington really never seen someone pulled over before? And this was two lanes away, on the other side of the barrier. There are two reasons that I can possibly think of that would cause other drivers to slow down:

1) "Uh oh, there's a cop! I'd better slow down!" - You freakin' idiot! First off, the cop is on the other side of the freeway! Second, he already has someone pulled over and is off his motorcycle looking in their window: not pointing a speed gun at you! Third, you're going 25 mph less than the damn speed limit! I'd bet you are more likely to get pulled over for doing 30 in a 55 that you are doing 60 in a 55! Dumbass, put you foot on the GD gas and move!

2) "Wow! Flashing lights! What happend? Was it a wreck? Is it someone I know? Hmm...it's a white car: who do I know who owns a white Nissan? No one....let's slow down and take a look anyway." - ....... I need a few seconds to compose myself: I don't want to blow a vein in my brain.......okay, if this is the reason you slowed down, you deserve to have your license taken away. That's it. If you slow down on the freeway to gawk at someone pulled over on the other side of said freeway, you are a danger to other drivers. When you slam on your brakes to see who got busted, you run the risk of someone hitting you. Personally, I don't expect to suddenly go 30 in a 55 zone. I'm observant in the car, but what if the person behind you is some skank drinking her coffee and talking on her cell phone. Do you think she's going to stop in time when you brake at a gree light? Move your effing car, jackass! You aren't just inconviencing your fellow drivers, you put us all in jeopardy.

When I worked in Clackamas, I used to drive down 205 right smack in the middle of rush hour, and this behavior was standard procedure: we are all going southbound, but we have to slow (or stop, heaven forbid!) because some cracked out spazzhole got pulled over going north. It turned my 9-hour workday into a 12-hour event (when you factor in the same problem going north in the morning). I personally witnessed more than one accident because someone slowed way down to watch a cop incident on the other side of the freeway and someone slammed into the back of the gawker. Bastards! If you keep driving the speed limit, you will get home faster and if the incident was big enough, you can catch it on the news!

Now, if I am in the right lane on SR 500 and someone is pulled over going the same way as I am, I will either get over to the left lane, or slow down by 5 mph or so: if I were a cop, I would not want some a-hole going 60 five feet away from me while walking up to some drug dealer's car. If, however, the incident is on the other side of the road, you know what I do? I continue to effing drive!! And I continue to effing drive at the posted effing speed limit!



We need a big social change here, people of Blogdom! It should be as illegal to rubberneck at the scene of an accident, someone pulled over, or any other scene when the red and blues are flashing. Just because you want to see if your ex-girlfriend got a speeding ticket or who is missing an arm in a terrible crash is not a good enough reason to keep me from where I need to go! Did you know that as of July '08, if you are caught driving in the carpool lane alone, it's a ten thousand dollar fine? Know how much you get fined if you slow down and cause a 4-hour traffic jam on the freeway? Nothing! Not one freakin' dollar. You know what it costs me? Time away from my family! Or time away from work where I could be making money! You see a stranger get a ticket, then, four hours later, I'm not at the office and miss a deal that could have made me five grand! Son of a..........

I'm going to stop here: if I continue on I'll get into the hell that is merging in the greater Portland/Vancouver area. THAT rant would not be clean at all, and I probably end up breaking something here in my office. Suffice to say that if I ever see any of you pulled over on the side of the read, don't expect me to slow down! You are on you own, buddyroe!

In closing, here's Abe Vigoda on toast.