How important do you have to be before...

....you are assassinated instead of murdered?

Bad news, Blogland: there are reports in a British Newspaper that Bear Grills (the dude that hosts Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel) isn't all he appears to be. According to these reports, there are a lot of scenes in the show that are totally set up, and Bear even spends the night in hotels a lot of the time - not sleeping in the wild like it appears. What's next, is Survivor Man fake too? I'm not sure that I believe this report just yet - the news story I saw said it was a British tabloid and I don't know how trustworthy it is. Is this the same tabliod that reported Michael Jackson was going to move the entire Neverland Ranch to England, or the one that first reported that Eddie Murphy is the daddy of that Spice Baby? (one is true, one is not).


Let me ask you bloggers a question: if you were at risk for some severe health problem and the only way to know for sure if you were in danger was to undergo a procedure that looked like it hurt or was cruel, but in reality didn't hurt you in the slightest, would you do it? What if the same was asked about the baby your were having?


Now, don't get the wrong idea: Meatburg is totally fine! I only ask because this came up in our childbirth class last night. We divided up into groups and got a poster and a medical instrument to review. Our task was to teach the class about our topic. Group C, including Gina and I, were given Internal and External Monitoring. The instrument we were given was a Scalp Electrode used for internal monitoring. Picture two small wires - one red and one black - twisted in a spiral encased in clear plastic tubing. At the far end is a white plastic tip about the size and shape of a pencil eraser, with a tiny thin curled wire poking out. The wire looks like you took one of those little micro springs and partially unwound two turns of it. I mean, this wire isn't even as thick as the period in your browser bar at the top of this screen. Now, if the external monitors that strap to Mom's belly aren't getting a good enough reading of baby's heart rate, and Mom's water has broken, and she's dialated to at least 1cm, and they already have reason to be a little worried about baby, they may use the fetal scalp electrode. What they do is insert the plastic tip through the cervix until is rests against baby's head, they give it a tiny turn clockwise. This hooks a super small piece of skin and allows the doctor to accurately monitor baby's heartbeat. It's like when you were a kid and used to push safety pins under the first layer of skin on your finger because it looked like you stabbed yourself but you didn't even feel it. Once baby is born, a quick turn the other way and the electrode comes out. Baby may have a pencil-lead-sized red dot for the next 8-10 hours, but then it goes away: that's the only side effect. Sounds kinda barbaric, but it's really not and they only do this if they have good reason to believe baby's in danger.


So this girl in our class flips out and asks if there is a way she can tell the doctor not to use a scalp electrode under any circumstances. She said she doesn't want some "quack" doctor "stabbing" her baby in the head with a "huge" wire for any reason. The next 10 minutes consistesd of the whole class sitting there bored while the nurse-teacher tried to get her to realize that this is only used on a rare occation where it's needed and it's not painful or cruel to the baby at all. It's like getting stitches - it's gross to think about someone sewing your wound shut, but it sure beats bleading to death or getting gangreen! I know having a baby is scary (and our whole class is all first-time parents) especially when you don't know what going on and have no prior knowledge that applies here (I've never though of poking something at my unborn baby's head before last night!) but if you don't trust the doctors to some degree, you are going to freak yourself out and have a really hard delivery. Calm down, take the time to learn more about the procedure, and get used to the fact that, although it's a very small chance, there is some chance that this will happen to you.


Also, Gina won't let me grow just a moustash. I can have one with a beard or a goatee, but not a moustash alone. No moustash, no mullet, no fun.