"Wait, you're breaking up with me??"................(awesome)

Remember dating? Remember breaking up? The G and I were talking about that the other night (I don't remember what brought that up) but it got me thinking: in the spirit of Awesomeness, I thought I should share my personal experiences with you.

See, I dated a lot. I take GREAT pride in the fact that I didn't "sleep around" but I sure did date a lot of chicks. When you date a lot of people you have a lot of breakups. I came up with a simple solution to the break-up conundrum:

Get Them To Break Up With You.

Early on, I broke up with quite a few girls. It rarely ended well. There comes that point when you realize that you don't want to date that person anymore, but either (a) you can't name a specific reason or (b) the specific reason is something that you just can't bring up without starting a fight. There are other reasons, but those two are accurate about 99% of the time. There are so many phrases that only cause problems. "It's not you, it's me" means just the opposite. "I think we should take a break from eachother" ends up dragging out the breakup timeframe and makes things much worse later when she realizes that it's a forever-break, not a spring-break-break. "We just don't seem compatable" only works if you have been dating for less than 4 business days. "I think I love your sister/best friend is NEVER a good idea. Then there are the ones that are just way too blunt: pointing out a physical trait that suddenly sickens you after dating for 2 weeks isn't going to make her feel very good. So what is one to do in this situation? Simple: Get Them To Break Up With You.

The trick is making yourself un-datable enough to break up with, but not enough to make them go postal. This takes tact, planning, and you have to read the person you are with. Don't go too drastic, but be sure you aren't still a "good catch." Here are a few things that I suggest:

1) Physical. It's time to stop suiting up. The GTTBUWY dress code can take some work, but is a pretty easy way to achieve your goals. Wear lots of sweatpants. Mismatched shoes is a good one too. If you are a guy, stop shaving. If you are a girl, stop shaving. Try to get as little sleep as possible the night before a big date - you will look terrible and be unresponsive to conversation (see number 2). Quilted flannel shirts are pretty effective, as are ill-fitting clothes (unless you are a girl: then you have to be careful of dressing too tight, which can have the opposite effect). Leave little bits of food on your lips and in your teeth. If they can't show you off to your friends, they might re-think the relatioship.

2) Communication. Just stop it. Hide your feelings, don't listen when they are talking, interupt often with off-subject comments...things like that. Contridict yourself often - say you want to go see the new Nick LaShay movie and then bitch all the way through it. Video games and sports are great for this if you are a guy, while shoes and Martha Stewart are great if you are a girl. If you are emotionally distant, they might want to move on.

3) Get really excited about interaction with other people. If you are going to spend time with your BF/GF, sound bummed out by it: not too much, just simple lethargy will work. Then constantly talk about how excited you are to hand out with people you see all the time. NOTE: this method looses it's effectiveness if you are excited to see family that you haven't seen in a long time - that excitement is to be expected. It has to be people that you see all the time, and only when you are going to be hanging out without you BF/GF. Also make sure that you aren't ONLY excited to hang out with people of the opposite sex - a good mix of guys and girls is essential.

4) Make really horrible friends. If she likes preps, make friends with the stoners. If he like emo and metalheads, hang out with the tennis team. And include your new friends whenever possible - doubledates with them will cause especially hot tension. Watch out though: getting close to your new "friends" can result in you having to get THEM to break up with you later.

5) Develop fake crushes and bring your GF/BF to the place your "crush" works. This is a little more advanced because you don't want to be accused of cheating. If you find a really cute Coffee Girl, take your date there often and make flirty-eyes at her while mostly ignoring your date. Go to Hooters often and ask to sit in a specific waitress' section (look very dejected if her section is full). Girls, find a hot Car Salesman and go car shopping every weekend, even though you are broke. And be sure to bring your boyfriend - say you need a "man's opinion" but never listen to him. When you are going to go visit these "crushes" dress REALLY nice: that's especially effective if you have been following number 1 while at home with your BF/GF. If you are going to use this tool, always pick a place you rarely go in Real Life - you don't want to have to get Coffee Girl to break up with you later.

6) If your date doesn't have strong morals, set THEM up to cheat. Go see a movie with your date and your Wingman, and then get a "call" while in line for tickets and have to leave. Plan a big party at your Wingman's house and leave when everyone is getting tipsey. If your date has a crush on someone (like Coffee Girl/Guy) send your date to pick of coffee often. When used along with some of the other rules above, you might have a justified dumping on your hands! Or take fake business trips a lot: say you are leaving for a week, have your date drop you off at the airport, then take a taxi home and don't answer your phone. While this option doesn't get THEM to dump YOU, it can be effective as a last-ditch effort. The support of a good Wingman makes this method MUCH easier. Although sometimes they have to later get your now-ex to break up with them.

If you follow these simple guidelines, you should be dumped in a week or so. You don't have to worry about stalkers, and after a short time you may even be able to start dating your BF/GF's friends (the friend will say "Is it okay that I want to date your ex?" and the person you were dating will think "yikes! I got AWAY from that one, but you go right ahead!"). You leave guilt-free and totally clean. Plus you can play the "I-just-got-dumped" card on the next person you decide to date (always helpful).

One last thing: you have to look sad. If your date FINALLY breaks up with you, you CAN NOT act happy! Remember - this was the last thing you wanted; you've just been going through some stuff that you are trying to work out. In the even that you use method 6, be sure to seem sad AND angry, but not too angry. You don't want to lay a guilt trip on them, you are just really, really dissapointed. Oh, and the use of number 6 may require a period of public "fighting" between you and your Wingman, esopecially in places where your now-ex would see.

So there you have it! Next time you don't want ot date someone any longer you have to tools for a smooth breakup.

I'm available for one-on-one training or group sessions at a very reasonable rate.