Look! In the bathroom! At the urinal! It's.........

Today I was reintroduced to someone I haven't seen in a long time, but I really didn't miss.
Here's what went down:


¶ As you all know by now, I work for WaMu. I finished training (I aced both finals and had a 93.6% average for ALL the tests we did) and since Wednesday I've been in the branch. I'm working as a Teller for now so that I can get used to the computer systems and meet the customers. It's been great - today I even remembered some of my training! No, it's going really well and I think I'm doing pretty well.

¶ The one thing I miss about my last job was that we didn't have a public restroom. In fact, the bathroom we had was a one-person-at-a-time bathroom. Since my WaMu is inside a Fred Meyer, I now have to share a bathroom with (a) everyone who walks into Fred Meyer, and (b) I no longer have a one-person-at-a-time bathroom. I don't mind sharing my bathroom and I usually don't even mind peeing right next to some other dude - as long as the Rules are followed. The Rules are simple - no looking, no talking unless you know me already, and use your hands. You'd think that last one is a given, but that brings me to the topic of this blog: the Superman.

¶ If you are a dude and you've ever used a public urinal, you know who I'm talking about. It's the guy that, when there is a row of urinals or even just two side by side, walks up while you are peeing and proceeds to take a pee himself - however instead of using his hands to aim, he places them •both• on his hips and leans slightly backwards while he does his business. He does the Superman pose. While peeing. Seriously.

¶ Guess how many times I went to the bathroom today. Three. Guess how many Supermen I saw. Four. That's right: four. Two were side by side with me, and then, at my lunch, I went into the bathroom to wash my hands and there were two - count 'em - two Supermen side by side with each other. Sick. I mean......sick. Here's my Urinal Etiquette: stare straight ahead at eye level, use one hand to hold your clothes out of the way, use the other hand to "aim" your junk, and close up shop as soon as you are done - still looking straight ahead at eye level. No grunting, no scratching, no talking*, no looking, and always use your hands as described above.

¶ This. Is. Not. Okay. The Superman has to stop. It's arrogant and it exponentially increases my chances of getting pissed on by a stranger, and that's not a good day. Just because you are 60 and were in the War and served your country so that punks like me could wear our hair however we want doesn't mean you can pee using the no-hander. Sick. I'm not okay with that. It's embarrassing for both of us, but mostly me. Stop it. Just freakin' stop. I'm 90% sure that your wang isn't so big that gravity is sufficient to hold it down while you pee. I'm not 100% sure because I wasn't looking, but by the way you are acting I'm guessing you have a lap pinkie. Good luck with that.

¶ If I ever own a bar or restaurant I'm going to have Urinal Etiquette posted on plaques in the bathroom and the hallway leading to the bathroom. And if you don't follow the Etiquette, the Cooks don't have to wash their hands while they make your dinner, how's that? That's right: you don't aim your wang while peeing and you get SARS. How does that grab you, a nice greasy case of SARS? Oh, and BTW you just pissed all over the end of your belt.


Good luck with that.