I don't understand. Please help me understand!

It has been brought to my attention today that I haven't blogged in like ten years. I'm here to apologize to you all: I'm sorry. I know you look to my blog for tips on how to be Awesome, and I've been sleeping on the job, as it were. I'm going to try to be more on top of my blog (that's what she said), but between a baby, a wife who works part time, and a job that demands 40 hours a week of actual work, I simply don't have a lot of time to blog. I will, however, try to do better.


You know what confuses me? Archie comics. Not because I don't understand the content, but because I can't understand who's buying these at this day in age. I mean, didn't they start in like the 1800's? And yet, you still see them in the checkout line at Safeway, Fred Meyers, and a lot of WinCo stores. NEW copies. This one here has video camera's on the cover - that means they are still making new copies. I guess if people are still buying things like the National Enquirer and Star, Archie still has a shot, but still! It simple blows my mind!

And why just Archie? Why don't we see new Richie Rich comics? Or Scrooge McDuck? Or Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers? I used to read all those when I was a kid, but you know what I never read? Archie. Because it sucked then and while I haven't read one lately, I'm pretty sure they suck now. Who ever liked Archie? It seems like when I was a kid, I didn't get many of the jokes and it seemed to be aimed more at adults. Now that I'm an adult, it seems juvenile and boring. When was this considered cool? When Denis the Menes was considered "edgy?" Seriously: is Archie banging Veronica or Betty? Is Moose still failing every class at school but the King of the Football Field? Is Jughead still a complete dumbass? I find that I don't really give a crap.

I understand that as long as we have white trash people and folks who are so dissatisfied with their own lives that they cling to any morsel of gossip about celebrities we will have OK Magazine and Soap Opera Digest and Weekly World News, but who in the crap buys Archie comics?? I consider it the mystery of the 21st Century. Maybe there's something hidden within it's pages. Like maybe it's really KKK Weekly but since they can't advertise that to everyone, they disguise their hate newsletter in an Archie cover. Or maybe it's full of Alien's plans to take over the world - like space Aliens, not border crossers - and they use Archie to get news updates to their unholy bretherin. Or maybe it's the smartest porn mag in America! I mean, who would pick up Archie, for cripes sake!

Now I'm tempted to actually open those mysterious pages next time I'm in line at Safeway: just to see what's going on in there. Although I don't want to be seen even looking at Archie, much less reading it. I suppose it shall remain a mystery for the next thousand years.


Oh, did I forget to mention that ayhole Jughead has his OWN magazine in addition to being featured in Archie? Yes, he does. Although you rarely see it in the checkout line - you have to seek it out if you want a copy. Could you imagine walking into Powell's and saying to the hip clerk "Excuse me, could you point me toward the newest edition of Jughead please?" I think they might take you out back and stone you. No, not get you stoned: stone you, like in biblical times.

You know what the coolest thing that ever came out of Archie comics was? When Ryan and Jessica dressed up as Jughead and Veronica for our First Annual Halloween Extravaganza back in 2004. That was awesome.